Tuesday, February 28, 2006

'tis the season ?

BLAH ! That’s what I have to say. I think it is the time of year, I hate it. I do not want to say I am depressed, but FTLOG, I am tired ! It seems that no matter how much, or little, sleep I get, it’s not nearly enough. I wake up tired in the morning, and try sleeping in just a few extra minutes, but it’s not helping.

Are there a few of you out there with children ? Children who can’t keep their rooms clean ? Children whose mother needs to clean his room for 6 hours (I need to be fair, I did rearrange, and clean out the closet, and hang up some pictures … ) ?????!!!! WOW ! I was not a very happy person. I moved the bed, what do I find ? 20, yes twenty, Pop-Tart wrappers under the bed. He doesn’t have to sneak food, but he isn’t supposed to eat in his room, for this very reason. URGHHH ! He has attempted a promise to keep his room clean for me … or no friends over … and I mean it this time!

I am going to “spring clean” my own bedroom this upcoming weekend. I have piles of clothes that belong to the DS to get rid of and LOADS of laundry to hang up in the closet. I want to go through everything and lose the clutter !!!!! It’s hard to do though, I like to hold onto stuff, cause you never know when you will need it. And after my room is de-cluttered, I am moving onto the laundry room. YIKES ! WANTED: Any suggestions at keeping things clean/organized …

Ummm … I am still debating if I am going to share this site with my mother … Hi, Ma … Love you ! … it’s hard when you jot down all of your feelings and share it with your family, it’s different when I don’t know you. Ah, don’t listen to me … I just need a nap !

BTW ... 171 days until game day !

Friday, February 24, 2006

Causes of heart burn ...

Well, I survived the hectic work week. I don’t know why it was so rough this week, gee whiz! It could be that I have suffered from heart burn all week, and it still hasn’t gone away. It could be the excitement that it bottling up inside for the upcoming trip to Boston, nothing gets better than that! Could it be that players are reporting to spring training, and that means we are getting closer and closer to MLB’s Opening Day ? Maybe it’s all the stress at home with my sweet DS … he’s been keeping me busy this week.

Today for the DS was crazy hair day at school. At this point of the year his hair is kept longer because he is a hockey player, and I like that look. I will be taking him in for a cut in the next couple of weeks, but he had to have crazy hair today. Last night we bought this wicked super hold hairspray (I am even afraid to use it on myself, because it is so strong!) and today we added some gel and glitter – wanted to make it look crazy … kids were laughing when we got to school this morning, I hope it really was crazy hair day, cause they didn’t have any ! I did eventually see some kids prior to leaving the building that participated – THANK GOODNESS !

I keep wishing I would be one of those lucky people, the ones that win the Powerball. I have been day dreaming about the things I would do with that money, and it is entirely selfish. Have you ever thought about what you would do ? My list is endless. Build a dream house, new cars, trucks, boats, 4-wheelers, snowmobiles, wave runners, cabin, east coast house, west coast house. And I just got started. However, I am also ending it too, I don’t want to get upset by listing all that I want to do with millions and millions of dollars that I will never have. (SIGH ….)

One thing I do in part of my daily morning ritual, I read my local obituaries. Not the ones where I currently live, but my local, BACK HOME, obituaries. It always saddens me to read them, especially when I find out we were from the same town. A friend of mine does the same thing, only she does it to see where they worked, and debates as to if she should apply for the position they had held. I just do it to keep up to date on the happenings of back home. My aunt says I know more local gossip than her and she lives there !

One of my best friends from home is about to be a father for the first time. His daughter is going to be born within the next 10 days. I can’t wait. He has always wanted to be a Dad, so I am happy for him. He just better refer to me as Auntie while she is little, the way my son refers to him as Uncle, dammit! It’s because I am an only child, and my best friends and I have always done this, because they all have siblings. I am anxious for her birth, I like to buy girl clothes and toys … much more fun than the boy stuff I have to buy … not more fun per se, but a change !

Side note … only 175 days until my upcoming baseball game ! Yes, only 175 … how in the world will I make it that long ???

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Anxiousness ?

This is a picture I took of the night sky in the Northern woods of Minnesota.

Have you ever felt like you don’t get enough sleep, and go to work tired everyday ? I don’t know if it’s just the time of year, or if it is something lurking in my subconscious. I have been having nights where I wake up ever hour, on the hour, and can’t fall back to sleep, or the sleep is just not good, I am not hitting the deep sleep.

When I have something to look forward to, that I just can’t wait for, I get anxious. This could be part of the sleep deprivation I am suffering from. What I am looking forward to is August, 2006. I am embarking on an adventure to Boston, MA. I am having a get together with a group of friends I have met on-line, and we all share the same love. Johnny Damon. Yes, we all met on his fan club while he played for the Boston Red Sox. See, we are all Red Sox fans and Johnny was just the icing on the cake. So we would chat on line daily, and then when Johnny signed on with the New York Yankees, we were worried about our future as friends. One of us, who we call JTT, formed the Enclave, where we got together to talk outside of the JDFC, because it became overrun my MFY trolls. We now meet up here, and it is only a select group of people, not open to just anyone. We have decided to meet in Boston. We have tickets for the Red Sox / Yankee game at Fenway in center field, so we cheer on our beloved.

Can you imagine, a group of 8 women, with the chance to see the man they all desire ? All Hell is going to break loose. I have warned my mother that jail time could be happening. We are planning on a night game, and then hitting the bars, hopefully after a RS win, but hey, we just saw Johnny Damon … it’s still gonna be a good night !!

I am anxious to meet these women. We have so much more in common than just JD. Many of us live in a country setting, love the nature/wildlife, have children or care for children, have a passion for music, we have artists, and we like to bash someone we refer to as Unspeakable. We are all so different, but yet sounds like we have a lot of similarities, and I for one can’t wait for August!


Monday, February 20, 2006

Just a RANT !

Hi. It’s just me again.

Today I woke up and realized it is a bad Monday. Nothing is going well, for me, or anyone else. So I ordered some ice cream to be delivered to work. Yes, it is that kind of a day.

Well, my darling son went to his father’s for the weekend. He came home on Sunday and said he had a horrible time, so I took him to a movie. That makes things better for awhile. He said they fought all the time, and he got yelled at a lot. He was playing with the dog, and the dog bit his hand, and he cried … remember the ds is 6 years old. His dad yelled at him for crying about it. It is just the piddly little things, but they are really taking a toll on the ds. His dad said, right in front of him mind you, “ I am not taking him the whole month of March”. Fine. “I am going to Oregon for work”. Alright. “And we are going to Hawaii for a week, so I can’t have him then.” OK. “And we just bought a new house, and have to clean up the rental before we move into it …” JHC, I GET IT ALREADY ! Poor kid, excuse after excuse … right in front of him.

I also want to mention that I am tired of his wife too. My ds comes home, and every time says that the stepmom yells at him for something, and doesn’t talk to him much. Well, why did you marry the guy if you don’t like his kid ? The kid has been around longer than you, (meaning in his dad’s life, not years they have both been alive, but I am sure you got that.)and he deserves to have some respect. It is so hard being the Mom, because I always have to mend the broken heart when he returns from his dad’s.

All that is keeping me sane right now is my upcoming trip to Boston. I am gonna meet up with some fellow Johnny Damon lovers, and we ARE going to Fenway Park to see the Yankees play the Red Sox. I CANNOT WAIT ! What a kick ass time this is going to be. I am probably gonna go to jail, and even that excites me. We have dubbed it “The Slumber Party”. I believe there are 8 of us, and we are gonna shake up the city ! Any suggestions to bars in the Fenway area would be much welcomed. NOTE: I don’t know that I want to hear you comment if you dislike Johnny for any reason. If you love him, great … comment away … If not … well, enough said. He’s still a stand up guy, and your opinion is not gonna change my mind.

So, I have kept this ramble short today. I just needed to get some stuff off of my chest. When life knocks you down, what do you do? You get back up and keep going …

Thursday, February 16, 2006

The feeling of losing a loved one, and gaining one

Well, I thought I would try doing this again. It made me feel good to get rid of some pent up frustrations I have. I don’t know what I feel like sharing just yet, so I am just going to let my fingers do the thinking. Can fingers think on their own ?

Well, I am an only child, raised by a single parent, my wonderful mother. I tend to believe that a lot of my issues stem from this, and it is not my mother whom I blame. It’s my biological father, but that’s neither here nor there. It wasn’t easy growing up, and now I am going to tell you why I think this way.

My mom had back surgery when I was a little girl, and I had to grow up fast. I would go grocery shopping on my bike, take a note to the gas station and buy cigarettes, wash laundry, pick the weeds in the garden (which I hated most of all), and was alone a lot. Being alone is not a problem for me, my mom worked/works hard and has a very demanding job, especially in the summer. The year my mom met her now husband, I was sent to my aunt’s house 2 states away because she had to work out of town, and this is where she met him, both of them grew up in the same town, and they met out of town while working. I now see it as fate, but when I was 12, I saw it as in intrusion.

Let me take this back in time yet again. The man, the fatherly figure, in my life was my grandfather. He was the world to me, and I tend to believe I was just as important to him. I will never forget the day he died. I was 13 years old. I had mowed their lawn that day, and received $20.00, my grandpa upped the ante, a race to the garden and back would be double or nothing. I said “Game On”. I won, of course, as that was the point. We sat and visited on the deck, and he asked me to spend the night again, so we called my mom, and she wanted me home, so Grandpa got on the phone and told her I was staying. Well, we went out for dinner, to the Legion, and we played pool. I had a blast ! We went to another bar/restaurant for our dinner, I had a pizza and he and my grandmother ordered the chicken special. Before our food came we played some foosball and a bit more pool. Finally our food came, my pizza first, so I started to eat and Grandpa went to wash his hands. Well, I noticed he was gone for awhile, and someone went to check the men’s room. My grandfather had a heart attack, and died at the hospital.

For years, before my grandmother’s own passing, she blamed me for his death. I didn’t tell anyone about this for a few years, because I didn’t want to cause more pain. She would call me late at night, under the influence of alcohol, when my mom would be out of town, and tell me that if we hadn’t raced to the garden or played pool he would still be here. I believed her. I was just a na├»ve teenage girl. At the age of 27 I now know it wasn’t my fault, I believe he did us a favor by going into the bathroom that evening, so we didn’t have to witness it. Looking back there were things I noticed he had done around their house, to spare my grandmother the time, money, and stress of having to have things repaired or replaced.

Moving forward, the years following the passing of my grandfather turned me from a nice kid to EVIL TEENAGER ! I say this because I never wanted to disappoint my grandpa, and now I just didn’t care anymore. It was rough having my new man figure be my mom’s boyfriend. I resented the whole thing. I didn’t want him around, I wanted things as they were before he arrived. I did not make my teenage years pleasant for anyone, and now, 10+ years later, I look back and wish I would have been a different person. I am sorry to my mom and dad … yep, dad, for all that I did and said as a bratty know-it-all. I can tell you the day I actually accepted D in my life as family, it was the day I graduated high school. It was the first day I had ever hugged him … and it was the first day I told him I loved him. Thank you … to both of you … for everything.

WOW ! The power of words. Sometimes it feels so good to share the feelings that you keep hidden behind dusty doors you try and keep closed. Maybe someday I will share this with my family … but for now, I share it with strangers, because strangers don’t hold grudges or judge you.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Just the small things

Today is my first day. Yes, I am a newbie. So, let's take it easy, and relax, and read.

I am Novy. I am currently 27 years old, and the mother of a wonderful 6 year old boy. Being a mom is great, although it is the hardest thing I will ever do in life. To quote Destiny's Child, "I'm a survivor". I am. I make do with what I have, and live a decent life. Am I saying things never get tough and that life is like a fairytale with a "THE END" waiting for me every day ? HELL NO, there is a "to be continued..." every night, and we start up again in the morning ! I am fortunate to have a job I enjoy getting up and going to everyday. It's corporate America, and I like it.

More about me ... I am a rather boring person, generally speaking, but when people get to know me, WHAM! I can be crazy and carefree or I can be responsible and mature. Is it wrong to still love to go out and get crazy at a bar at my age ? Could that be why I haven't met the right man and married and produced more children ? Anybody want to tell me what they think I am doing wrong ... I am open to any suggestions you may have ;)

At one point I thought I had met "Mr. Right", but boy did he make me feel like a fool. I thought he was different. MR is older than I am, by 13 years, which is/was not a problem for me. MR had his own problems, he was divorced, depressed, apparently he had a death wish, which I didn't know about until years later. MR sought counseling, and I was still there for him. Lot of good that did me, however he did thank me ... had I not been there for him all those years (4 by the way) he doesn't think he would still be here. Well, it makes me wonder, what did I do wrong ? Did I love to much ? Care to much ? So we just talk when he feels like it. He will call and say "I love you, I will call you tomorrow", and then he never does ... months will go by ... Is it the depression that makes him not call back ? Is it that I remind him of all that he suffered through ? He is doing ok now ... but being that yesterday was Valentine's Day, it really got me thinking about him, because unfortunately I love him.

Well, thanks for letting me spill that onto my, and possibly your, computer monitor. It has made me feel better ... and that is all I can ask for.

I hate Valentine's Day !